im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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