Can i not drive my cunt home
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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