rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Pants are for mortals
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
