I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
