Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
