I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
