P.S. I can't hear my feet
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
