I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
