do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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