Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
