yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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