I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
