it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she told me i tasted like america
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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