Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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