I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I wear drunk well.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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