So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
