You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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