I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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