So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
