Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
where are my eyebrows?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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