Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize