you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
