he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
