Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
