So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
