the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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