Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
