Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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