I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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