OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
