Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
