shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
