please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
