He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
