saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
