he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
