some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My vagina is very pro this idea
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
