physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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