you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
