I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
