***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
