if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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