My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
