my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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