he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Watching her eat just hurts me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
