I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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