youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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