i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
