Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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