hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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